The Light Isn't a Train

If you had told me 6 years ago that I would be at my ex's boyfriend's house for a graduation party, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or just any time my kids want me out there, I would have laughed in your face.

But here we are!

6 years ago my ex and I split. When I say it was bad or nasty, we both took those terms literally, and as far as we could.

We couldn't stand each other. I didn't want my kids calling another guy dad. That was my title. I honestly thought my life was over. I was barely going to see my kids, and everything was crashing down around me. I was smoking 2 packs of Marlboro reds or blacks a day, barely eating. I ended up losing 75 pounds in 2 months.

Any time I saw a sliver of light, I thought it was a goddamn train. I buried myself in my work, 100-hour weeks were the norm. I actually ended up being hospitalized and having emergency surgery on my leg. At some point, I had not only been exposed to flesh-eating strep bacteria, but it was eating my leg from the inside out. While I was admitted, between my pain meds, I would work.

Many men, my brother included, hell almost myself included, cannot get past the weight of going through this. The uncertainty of when we are going to see our kids, the entirety of our lives being fucked in the ass by a goddamn pineapple sideways. I was in such a dark fucking place that I actually sent my ex a selfie. Taken at 100 mph, bawling my fucking eyes out. Debating whether I was going to take out the side of a bridge, or pray I found a pothole. Asking her to tell the kids that I love them, and that no matter what happens, I will ALWAYS be around.

It's heavy as fuck.

It's fucking dark.

And some don't make it. I almost didn't.

Well guys, I am here to tell you — the light you see is not a goddamn train. I made it through the tunnel. Not without my fair share of bumps, bruises, and scars, but I fucking made it.

When my brother passed, my ex and her boyfriend, as much as we couldn't stand each other in the past, showed up for me, my family, all of us in such a huge way I could never possibly thank them.

Fast forward to today...

Her son, who I still view as mine — I met him when he was 2, we split when he was 10 — is now 18 and graduated! We've spent several nights out helping them prep for the party. We spent almost all day out with them today. We laughed, we joked, and we had a lot of fun.

And to make everything that much sweeter, his dad flew in from Alaska! So we had all 3 dads there, all getting along, all showing up for all of our kids. It definitely does take a village to raise a child. And I am glad to be here and be a part of this one!